For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
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Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”