My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.