[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS![]()
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Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it