[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
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SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
my dad has had enough
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“What?”
– Jude
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.