Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
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[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.