Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
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single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
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☑️ I was drunk