Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
You Might Also Like
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
every single time
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.