I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter