Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
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“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
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last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
*pronounces fake like saké*
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente