I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
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Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?