CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
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“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
44.65
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44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever