Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
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Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Saturday
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.