Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.