son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—