Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
You Might Also Like
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?