[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
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Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”