5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay