I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”