I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Mmmm canned fish.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning