now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.