The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT