It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.