*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
that de-escalated quickly
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Found the job I’m suited for
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time