Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.