@RdrJay47

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

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@hyperblastchic

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@_sweet_ham

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

@WilliamAder

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

@UnFitz

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

@UpsideDad

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.