You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
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It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.