You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.


“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”



“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.


Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.


My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?


Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.


[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION


No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.


Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.


I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.