interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
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Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.