An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
What if the weather talks about us?
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.