I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
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I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Guys, I found it.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
some things should go without saying
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*