[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
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Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
pelicons
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I found your tweet-up…
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”