Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
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My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My five year plan is a meteorite
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.