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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”