*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Just why bro?!
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude