*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
You Might Also Like
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude