I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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the icebreaker
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”