I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
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Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
gm
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It