I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”