Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
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Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
The fall of Netflix
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
For today鈥檚 Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Squirrel having fun.. 馃槄
Not today. 馃槄
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
No laws when master is gone
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.