Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
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Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“What?”
– Jude
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.