Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
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Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
There’s always that one guy
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
no!! no!!!!!!
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please