I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
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taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Still my favourite meme.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
new shirt idea
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything