I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar