Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
When someone says you are so lazy
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.