God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
*skinny dips into black hole
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.