Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.![]()
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horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace