Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
that de-escalated quickly
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!