@maxverygoodboy

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

You Might Also Like

@_Water_Baby

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

@HushJared

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

@KrunkedRobot

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

@ItsAndyRyan

First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos

@Death_Buddy

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

@TheCatWhisprer

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

@momjeansss_

Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence

@waelwulf

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.