~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul