@maxverygoodboy

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

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@IamEnidColeslaw

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

@Fun_Beard

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

@RexHuppke

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

@Eves1

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

@Retacof

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

@daddygofish

I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.

@badbanana

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

@msmollybee25

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

@brandynmacd

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.