@IamEnidColeslaw Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
@maxverygoodboy ~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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@IamEnidColeslaw 
@Fun_Beard Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
@RexHuppke The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
@Eves1 Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
@Retacof Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
@daddygofish I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
@badbanana Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
@Reverend_Scott Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
@msmollybee25 Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
@brandynmacd My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.