~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

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Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.


Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”


The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”


Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?


Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.


I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.


Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.


Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.


Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.


My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.