i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.