Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
You got this…
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming