*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
You Might Also Like
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.