No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.