[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
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We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
$4 #usedbooks
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”