That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
You Might Also Like
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.