I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”