I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet