awesome draft from months ago i just found
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
A dad and his duck
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
What my back needs
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past