Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
You Might Also Like
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Ironic
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂